Self-Identity: 5 Reasons Why I Decided To Go Natural

11 years ago, when I was about 8 or 9, I decided to get my hair relaxed. Now, my mom wasn’t all for it. A family friend of ours had a daughter who at the time was getting her hair relaxed. When I saw how her hair was. I just kept begging my mom to let me do it. At the time I was a full blown natural. My hair when picked out was like those 80s afros you used to see Black women have. When I look back at when I got my relaxer. I kind of wish I just listened to my mom. If only, I knew that at point my self-identity was just going to be in shambles.

It wasn’t till last year, 2020, that I was forced to face the consequences of my actions. Quarantine happened and I was left with my relaxed hair. I thought of going natural the year before ,but it seemed like too much. I guess a pandemic was the one thing to make me jump in to this decision. Over the years, I had become so attached to my hair. Hence why I put self-identity in the title of this post. Who I was and what my value was. All that was put on to my hair and the texture it was.

It’s been a year now since I chopped off all my relaxed ends. Since I took the leap of faith and just decided that my hair was the one weighing me down in life. Truthfully, I don’t think I told people the real reasons why I went natural. So, a year later, I’m finally comfortable sharing it.

So, why did I decide to go natural?

1. My hair was super unhealthy

Over the decade of relaxers, I had seen multiple hairstylists. Each one got better than the last. At first I didn’t understand how to take care of my hair. Neither did my mom quite frankly. She had never got a relaxer or a perm. It wasn’t till I was in high school when I had some type of routine down. But at this point, the damage was irreversible. All that heat damage to my hair. It was casing my hair to break at the same rate it was growing. This resulted in just short hair and awful trims.

It wasn’t till I got to the hairstylist I have now that I actually learned to take care of my hair. (Shoutout to Atiya @tee_artz on Instagram.) She saw all the unhealthy ends and was urging me to try and make it healthy. I guess the only way was to chop it all off.

2. They say your hair holds memories & I wanted to let go of some

There is a saying. It is from more so the spiritual side and astrology. They say that your hair holds memories. That it can hold and take up the pain and emotions you endured. Hence why when people break up. Sometimes you see people chop their hair shorter and they say they feel “a weight lifted off”. I think my hair held many memories. Good and bad. But it was time to let go off the pain that I went through. The teasing ,the bullying. All of it. I wanted to let it go.

My self-identity was being lost. My natural hair was hidden under there. The symbol of what my natural hair meant to me was hiding. And it was time for it to come out. Quite frankly, after a year of having natural hair. I can say that, it has been easier to heal from the past. Easier than it was to run away from it or hide it away.

3. I missed my natural hair & what it meant to me

When I was little my dad used to tug on my afro a lot. Not as a rude way. But he would tug and laugh and say “This hair is rich. It’s my retirement fund.” He would say that with a smile and would always say how beautiful I looked. When I got it relaxed, he would still say it. But for me…it just got harder and harder to believe what he said. He still says now till this day. And I can confidently say that , it’s getting easier & easier to believe him now.

I always had lots of hair. Even when I was born. I think it was apart of who I was, my self-identity. My natural hair was something that held me close to my culture. To the happy girl that was always so talkative. By the end of highschool, I just sat with myself and thought “Where did that little girl go?”. Yes, you mature and grow up. But usually parts of you stay the same. Certain traits. I guess after a decade of trying to be someone I am not. Got tired of playing charades . Deep down, I missed how in touch I was with my culture. I missed my confidence with my hair. There was so many things that I wanted to become again.

4. My self-identity was withering away

I remember people asking me why I relaxed my hair. The reason I gave was something fake like “I just wanted to change things up.” The real reason ,though. Something that it took me years to realize. It’s because of the toxic environment I grew up in. People calling me an Oreo and white washed. The microaggressions and racism I had to deal with from such a young age. It all added to me just hating myself. Hating my skin color & the way it looked. I started to hate how my hair texture was. Thinking that if I make it straight and silky like all the other white girls, I’ll be more accepted.

The sad part is my failed attempt at stopping the bullying ,just made maters worse. It got to a point where I just didn’t like my hair anymore. It failed at the one task it had. My shield I thought I put up to protect myself didn’t work. And over time I was losing a piece of myself. That happy, talkative girl became depressed & timid. My self-identity was withering away. Slowly before my eyes. Only did I realize it till last year. Of how lost in my self I was. To the point that I didn’t even recognize myself. And honestly, that scared the shit out of me.

5. I wanted a fresh new start

Around October of 2020, the year had chewed me up and spit me back out. Everything just felt so low for me. Nothing seemed like it could get better. To be honest, that entire year people were changing their hair for that fresh start. Either dying it or cutting it off. This felt different though. It wasn’t because I was bored with my look. But because I was needing to push forward. To have something to hold on to that can make me feel new again. Not just on the outside ,but on the inside.

There was so much uncontrolled change in my life. I just wanted to have some control on one change. Something I chose to do. I remember when I was standing in front of the mirror with my scissors. It felt like I was about to jump off a cliff. And I did just that. Tears ran down my face as each strand fell on the floor. Not tears of sadness. But tears of joy. Just so proud of myself for taking the leap. For putting my own mental health & self-identity before my comfortability. This was definitely the fresh start I needed.

THANK YOU FOR READING !

This past year has been such a eye opener for me. Starting in March when I decided to transition to natural. All the way up till now with my mini afro of new growth. I am really proud of myself. Starting this journey has taught me so much. Not just about my hair, but about my own self-identity. I learned some lessons that will forever be apart of me. And as painful as it is to look back on, the past is something I’m grateful for. Because the end result of who I am today is just worth it. Of course, there’s always more room for growth. I know this was a long post, but thank you guys for reading. And taking the time to listen to the start of a lifelong journey.

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